Arrrr! I got my nails done to impress this man… and he’s married??? One would say I should have gotten up right then and there, but the reality of it all took a while to really hit me.

First of all, he didn’t come right out and tell me. In fact, we’ve been talking on the phone for a few days now and hmmm…I guess he just didn’t think it was important enough to bring up…

So how did it come up? We were talking about his kids… I knew he had 3, so I causally asked, “What happened with you and their mom?

“We stopped getting along,” he said “so we separated.”

“Separated?”  I asked. “Were you two married?” 

 ”Yes” he said.

“Divorced?” I questioned.

“Separated.”

“You’re Married???” I asked- trying not to choke on the calamari I just popped into my mouth.

“Separated…”

“For how long?”

“4 years.”

“Are you getting a divorce?”

“Oh that’s too expensive. Too much paper work. We’re staying together for the kids.”  — Ok he didn’t say all of that, quite like that, but he might as well have.

Mind you this man is a lawyer, and has spent hours over the phone explaining to me how he’s set himself up to retire in the next 5 years- if he wanted. So I find it really hard to believe that in 4 years– he can’t figure out how to get a divorce– he really wants. And the more I pointed out the ways his reasoning for not getting divorced didn’t make sense- the more complex his reasoning became.

Eventually, in the most politically correct and socially acceptable way, I asked him how being married has affected his relationships with women he’s dated since being “separated”.

He starts telling me about a woman he was seeing for 2 years. According to him this woman (and I quote) “was a financial liability and brought nothing to the table.”

I wanted to yell at him: “At least she didn’t bring a wife and 3 kids to the table.” But I didn’t go there. Instead I went into journalist mode, and asked him if that was why their relationship ended.

“We weren’t in a relationship,” he said.

“So what were you?” I asked. For 2 years??? –I wanted to add, but didn’t.

“I don’t believe in titles,” he said.

So of course at that moment I have the bbm-blank-stare face on… I guess that’s why he didn’t take the title of HUSBAND very seriously. That aside- it annoys me that he’s not really answering my question.

So by now (in my head)– this dinner has gone from a first date to a fact finding mission… Why you ask?

1. I’m too polite to abruptly just end a dinner. And 2. Here is a 39 year old man (Yes. He’s much older than I am.) Who honestly thinks he can talk circles around me- like I can’t follow, and wont call him on his BS… What can I say- I love a challenge…

The best part is when I asked him how his 2-year-non-girlfriend felt about him having 3 kids.

“She never met them!” He said- almost offended that I would even suggest such a thing. At this point, I’m realizing this 2-year-thing was probably just a “sugar daddy” arrangement- as he complained about how much money he had to constantly give her…

I probe anyway, on how he avoided any “kid encounters” in a 2-year-anything and he “breaks it down for me”…

“I have my kids every other week, and my wife has no problem taking them if I needed to do something during my week.”

By now, I’ve completely stopped eating and I’m looking for the waiter out the corner of my eye, so I can ask him to wrap up my half eaten meal.

1. I no longer believe half the crap that’s coming out his mouth. In fact I half-way don’t believe he’s “separated” at all. Especially since he now keeps referring to his wife- as HIS WIFE!

2. Lets say he really is separated, and has been for the last 4 years– what woman would watch her kids every other week AND on the days her estranged husband needed to rendezvous with his 2-year-non-girlfriend… Who I’ve decided was the last young woman he got to give him the time of day.

3. I rather be home finishing up the first season of “Breaking Bad” and comfortably enjoying the rest of the Pad Thai, I just asked the waiter to wrap up for me to go.

*Sigh* Alls well that ends well… At least I got a free meal from this night.

**PIMA is an Alter-Ego that represents multiple conversations**