On Kink and Communication: 3 Tips From a Dominatrix

September 30th, 2012  |  by Veralyn Williams |  Published in Blog, My Two Cents

Late to the party, I recently completed the “50 Shades of Gray” Trilogy. And let’s just say I wasn’t scandalized. Then again, erotica is nothing new to me. In high school I read every Zane book there was and over the last year I’ve listened to all of Dan Savage’s sex advice podcasts. So no, not many things shock me when it comes to what goes on in bedrooms around the world. Trying to make sense of all the excitement about the “50 Shades” books in light of my own reaction to them led me to the question in this month’s Bedsider vlog: How “normal” is BDSM?

One of my interviewees for the vlog, Lady Zombie, is a professional Dominatrix. She had lots to share about BDSM, of course, but I couldn’t help thinking that a lot of her advice is relevant to anyone looking to have a fulfilling, active sex life.

So whether your dream is to bring your favorite erotica novel into reality or just add some sprinkles to your “vanilla” ice cream, here’s 3 universal gems from Lady Zombie:

1. Demand what you want! (Or ask nicely.)

“I think being a dominant…being a Dominatrix really stems from knowing what I want and accepting and appreciating that there are people out there that will give you exactly what you want. If you just know how to tell them.”

Whether that means asking to bring a toy to bed, taking a bubble bath together, or wanting your significant other to dress up like your celebrity crush, you won’t get what you want unless you ask. BONUS: Talking about what turns you on is good practice for talking about how to stay safe STI- and pregnancy-wise—and vice versa!

2. Find someone you’re compatible with sexually.

“My significant other is completely comfortable with everything that I do, what I engage in professionally and socially. And he understands it… It’s something he goes along with, and he does it very well, but he knows it’s for me.

One of the benefits of being able to “demand” what you want in the bedroom is that sooner or later you’ll end up with someone who truly enjoys doing what it takes to please you—maybe even someone who takes pleasure in the same things!

3. Don’t be afraid to experiment (you may be “kinkier” than you think).

“To the average woman who has played with S&M without really understanding that they are involving themselves in kinky activities that are not vanilla to a lot of people… people play and they experiment, and, you know what, it is BDSM—it’s just what we call lite.”

Believe it or not, being “kinky” doesn’t necessarily mean something traumatic happened to you as a child and it doesn’t mean that you have to be down for anything and everything. The important thing is to keep an open mind, because you never know what you might be into and enjoy. (Don’t tell me you’re not a little bit curious about the pleasure balls Christian used on Anastasia…)

Check out Lady Zombie’s lessons in her own words and let me know in the comments what you think of her advice.

Originally posted over at Bedsider on 9/26/12.

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