Yes. This is how I feel.
I often don’t know what to do with my anger. As a person that tries take control of, well, most things. The deep, uncontrollable, painful, bitter, gutting anger I often feel is getting harder and harder to mask. Especially when I don’t have time to plan for it.
It hits me on my walk home from work,
or right before I turn on my iPad for late night TV via Netflix,
or right before I get out the shower.
Every time I stop and think.
When I think about the lack of humanity I see reflected back at me, when I look into the eyes of the beat cops, standing at the corner by my house.
When I run for the bus, get on, find my metro card, sit down, take that exasperated breath and hear “I can’t breath” in my subconscious.
When I’m trying to remember the first time I realized “protect and serve” did not apply to me, anyone that looks like me, or anyone that would come from me.
When I thought “who wants to be a black mother” after I watched Fruitville station.
Or the fact I can’t list them ALL without google.
Trying to control this… feeling inside me is only making it grow. I’m trying not to let this cancer invade my joy. I feel like I’m disappointing Mama Maya. If self care is an act of political warfare, then at this moment I’m losing, and I don’t know how to change the tide.
Will keep trying. Tomorrow is another day.
The spread of Ebola in West Africa so far
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